


Dancing Around You

by quicksilverdeancas (quicksilvermalec)



Series: Sastiel Big Bang 2020 [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Agender Castiel, Agender Character, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Angels (Supernatural), Asexual Character, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury & Sam Winchester Friendship, Coming Out, First Kiss, GSA, Gender Neutral Pronouns, Gender Neutral Pronouns for Gabriel, Gender Sexuality Alliance, Getting Together, John dies off-screen and he's mentioned to be n o t g r e a t, Minor Character Death, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Gabriel, Not Canon Compliant, One-Sided Charlie Bradbury/Sam Winchester, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sam and Gabe break up super early on, Side Debriel, Slow Burn, Stanford Era (Supernatural), Stanford Student Sam Winchester, Trans Female Character, Trans Female Sam Winchester, as slow as a 12k fic can fuckin be, brief mention of John Winchester - Freeform, but that's canon anyway so, enjoyyyyyyyy, it's a long fic and I have two other Bang fics to post so i'm getting them confused, medical transition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26518636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilverdeancas
Summary: She did it! She survived childhood, made it to adulthood, and managed to escape off to college. But being a grown woman and a college student is really not all it's cracked up to be. Amidst the emotional turmoil, exams, grades, transitioning, and finding love, coupled with several confessions completely out of left field, Sam starts to find herself drowning, and her only lifeboat is not the person it should be.orIn which Sam is a trans girl going to Stanford to escape her father and brother's taxing life of hunting monsters, and she winds up with two people who will change her life forever.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Sam Winchester, Charlie Bradbury & Sam Winchester, Charlie Bradbury/Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Everyone & Everyone, Gabriel & Dean Winchester, Gabriel & Sam Winchester, Gabriel/Dean Winchester, Gabriel/Sam Winchester
Series: Sastiel Big Bang 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1928239
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31
Collections: Sastiel Big Bang 2020





	Dancing Around You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Undici](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Undici/gifts).



> This work was created for the Sastiel Big Bang! Complete with art by the lovely hearteyes-castiel (or Undici on AO3). It is a continuation of a [short ficlet](https://quicksilver-ships.tumblr.com/post/613490646696771584/welcome-to-stanford) I wrote on tumblr. I poured a lot of time and love into this fic, so kudos and comments are MUCH appreciated.
> 
> Here's your standard disclaimer that I own nothing but the plot; Supernatural and all the characters therein are the intellectual property of Eric Kripke, Robert Singer, and the writer's room.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this <3

The person who walks over to him is barely chest-height on him, with short, golden-brown hair and equally golden eyes, and is wearing a cropped black jacket. There’s a nametag stuck to the jacket that says ‘Gabriel, they/them/theirs’. Sam smiles at them.

“Hi,” he says quietly. They smile back.

“What’s your name, sweetheart?” they ask him. He bites his lip, then tells them. They grin, writing it down on one of the blank nametags they’re holding, and hand it to Sam.

“Welcome to Stanford, Samantha.”

(She writes her own pronouns on the name tag.

She doesn’t take it off for almost three full days.)

~~

She ends up dating Gabriel. It turns out that they're a theater major, which is super awesome with her dance major. They teach her things about theater she probably wouldn't have learned otherwise. She loves them. She does.

~~But does she love them right?~~

She's happy with herself, for the most part. For the first three or so months of the school year, she dates Gabriel and she learns about being trans. Because that's what she is. She even looks into estrogen treatments (injection or pill, she decides, those are her best options). Gabriel helps her in her search.

They take her to her intake appointment at the gender clinic. She meets her doctor, and her doctor explains to her how estrogen treatments work. Her doctor’s name is Ann Breland, she/her pronouns, and she’s a friendly woman with a cheerful smile and warm brown curls framing her face. She is only the second person to ever make Sam feel welcome in California.

But then one day everything gets turned on its head. Or maybe flopped on its side. She's not sure.

Because one day, she reaches for a book on the gender spectrum in her favorite Stanford library and it doesn't budge, so she pulls harder, and the entire bookshelf falls on her head. She goes sprawling across the ground, bookshelf on top of her entire lower body (which is not a small portion of her body) and groans. There doesn’t seem to be any serious damage, to the bookshelf or to Sam, which is good. However… it’s not exactly comfortable.

And then someone comes into view above her. The first thing she registers is short, dark hair. The second thing she registers is ice-blue eyes. The third thing she registers is the shocked and horrified expression this person wears as they try to pull the bookshelf off of her.

She helps them stand it back upright and put the books back onto it. The library staff can deal with organizing them according to the Dewey Decimal System. She has to deal with this new person.

“I am so very sorry,” they declare instantly. “I didn’t realize you were- oh, dear god, are you okay?” they babble as she stands up. She chuckles, nodding.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” she tells them. “I’m Samantha- Sam. She/her pronouns, please.”

The person extends their hand. “Castiel. I don’t particularly care about pronouns, but since I am male by birth you can refer to me as he if you wish.”

Sam smiles at him. “Well, then, Castiel, maybe you should buy me a coffee to make up for dropping a bookshelf on me.”

Castiel laughs. “Alright,” he agrees. “I know a very good coffee place near here. My brother works there.”

Sam leads him toward the door out of the library. “Cool. You have a brother?”

Cas nods. “Yes. He is a theater major here at Stanford and works at my favorite on-campus coffee shop.”

Sam smiles. “I have a brother too. His name is Dean and he is a _complete_ asshole.” She laughs. “But we love them anyway, right?”

Cas smiles back at her. “Indeed. No matter how much they may make us want to tear our hair out, we still could not live without them.”

“Amen,” Sam agrees, scoffing quietly. They turn a corner and Cas pushes open the door to—

The coffee shop Gabe works at. Huh.

Sam smiles as they sit down. “My significant other works here, too,” she tells Cas. “And is also a dance major. What a coincidence.”

Cas tilts his head to one side. It’s cute. “That is a coincidence.”

Just then, Gabriel strolls over. “Sam?” they ask. “And my baby brother Castiel? In the same booth?”

Sam smiles tightly up at them. “Hey, Gabriel.”

“What can I do you for today, hot stuff?”

Sam laughs. “Uh… just honey lemon tea for me today.”

“Iced coffee. You know how I take it,” Cas adds. When Gabriel walks away, he leans forward. “Your boyfriend and my brother are the same person?”

Sam swallows her discomfort like a sour lump in her throat and forces herself to nod. “Yeah,” she replies. “Yeah, that’s… weird. Excuse me a second.”

Cas nods and she stands up to walk over to the counter. “Gabriel,” she says curtly. “Are you not out to your family?”

They sigh as they hand her her drink. “No,” they say finally. “I’m not. Not even to Castiel, the only member of my family I actually trust.”

Sam stares at them with profound sadness. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m not out to my family either, you know that, I could have helped, I could have… I don’t know, supported you. I almost just accidentally outed you to your brother cause I didn’t know. Baby, it hurts to listen to him misgender you.”

Gabriel takes her hands. “If you come out to Dean I’ll come out to Cassie,” they promise.

Sam smiles. “Okay,” she says gently. “I will. I’ll call him tonight.”

They look relieved. Sam leans forward and kisses their cheek. “Hey, do you want to do it now? I can be there for you.”

Gabriel pauses. “Um… yeah,” they decide. “It’ll be easier if I have you with me.”

She kisses them softly. “Come on over when you have our drinks. Go on break, sit down with us. Yeah?”

They smile. “Yeah,” they reply. She gives them one last fond look and returns to Castiel.

“Is everything alright?” Cas asks.

She can’t find it in herself to misgender them, so she decides to avoid using pronouns altogether. “Gabriel’s fine. Gabriel’s gonna come on break and hang out with us in a minute.”

Cas nods. “Alright.”

Sam takes a deep breath as they wait, but it’s not too much longer before Gabriel joins them. They slide in next to Sam, who wraps her arm around their shoulders, and look at Cas.

“Hey, little bro,” they mutter awkwardly. “Uh… Sammich wanted me to tell you that I’m nonbinary.” They say the words a little too rushed and curl into Sam’s side when they’re done, like they’re afraid Cas will hit them. Cas just stares.

“You are not male or female?” Cas confirms. They nod. Cas chews his bottom lip. “Alright. Do you have a pronoun you would prefer I use?”

Gabriel swallows. “They, please. They and them.” Sam strokes their arm soothingly as they practically tremble against her. Cas nods.

“I will do my best,” he promises. He reaches across the table to take their hand. “I apologize.”

They nod. “It’s okay, Cassie.”

“I love you,” Cas offers. Gabriel gives him a weak smile at that.

“Love you too, Castiel.”

~~

Cas leaves soon after that. Sam hugs Gabriel for a while until their break ends and they have to go back to work. Then she settles into her seat and studies for her Theater History class.

Dean calls her. She freezes up.

She’s been at Stanford almost three months and Dean’s never contacted her. Dean still thinks she’s using masculine pronouns and identifying as a man. If she talks to Dean she might have to come out to him or bear being called his brother a hundred times—

She picks up the phone and shakily answers it.

“Hello, Dean,” she says, and she’s never been more aware of how deep her voice is in comparison to the voice in her head.

“Hey, Sam,” Dean’s voice replies, and he sounds sad. Not in the way she’s used to; he always sounded sad during their childhood, in this sort of ever-present, oppressive, unchanging way that was the result of many years of being called worthless and stupid. This is a different kind of sad, the kind of sadness that comes from losing the one person in the world you’d sell your soul for.

Sam walked out of his life, and she doesn’t know if he’ll forgive her for it.

There’s a long silence before Dean says, “you been doing okay? They feed you well over there?”

Sam sighs. “Yeah. I have a job. I’m a theater major, I have a really great… person I’m dating. I’m okay.”

“Good.” But Dean’s voice is distant. “Just wanted to call, make sure you were okay.”

“Hey Dean,” Sam says before she can lose her nerve. “Where are you?”

“Idaho,” Dean replies. “Why?”

“Do you think… we could meet up? There’s something I really want to tell you and I just can’t do it over the phone.”

Dean’s quiet again, but then he finally says, “yeah, Sam. We can meet up.”

“I’ll text you,” Sam promises. There’s no acknowledgment before the line goes dead. She sets her phone on the table and her forehead follows, groaning quietly to herself. She is so fucked.

~~

She goes back to her dorm after that. Her roommate isn’t there, which is nice. She has some time to herself.

She relaxes on her bed with her laptop, thinking about the day.

Dean calling, and Castiel, and Gabriel coming out to their brother… it’s all too chaotic. She sighs, laying back onto her bed.

She’s gonna have to get to know Castiel a little better. And write up a script to come out to her brother. Fuck.

She sits up, opening a blank Word document. How can she do this? She knows she’s capable, it’s just a matter of the method…

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Interpersonal Effectiveness, she finally decides. DEARMAN and GIVE FAST. She pulls up the worksheets in a PDF next to her doc and starts to type.

~~

She’s sitting on the green when he shows up. His shadow falls over her like something out of an ominous movie. She just laughs and closes her book.

“Hi, Dean,” she says happily. She’s wearing a skirt today, as well as a blouse that Dean’s eyes seem drawn to. He appears to be very confused. “This is what I wanted to talk to you about,” she tells him, gesturing to her body. Her hair’s also gotten longer; she’s been brushing it and straightening it every day.

Dean raises an eyebrow. “Alright, shoot.”

That was easy. “I’m… transgender. I identify as female, even though I know I’ve always been your brother, not your sister… I’m your sister. Surprise! It’s a girl.” She trails off awkwardly at the end. Dean rubs the back of his neck.

“So you’re a chick? You’re just… a chick that was born with dude parts?”

Sam nods, sighing in relief. That’s a better reaction than she’d been hoping for. “Exactly.”

Dean cringes slightly as he struggles through it. “So I call you ‘she’ now, yeah? And my sister, and girl, and not ‘boy’, ‘brother’, ‘he’, ‘him’?”

Sam nods again. “Yeah, if you can. I get that it’s gonna be difficult, but it really means a lot to me.”

Dean takes a shaky breath and meets his newfound sister’s eyes. “Alright,” he murmurs. “I’ll do my best,” he promises. “Can I still hug you?”

Sam grins and pulls him in. She’s taller than him, and will be her whole life, and she thinks she’s okay with that. “I love you, big brother,” she whispers into his hair. “You’ve always been good to me.”

Dean wraps his arms around her waist. “Only cause you deserved it,” he mutters back.

“Thanks anyway,” Sam mumbles. “I promise I won’t let your good parenting go to waste.”

Dean’s laughing when he pulls away.

~~

Before Dean goes back, he takes Sam to her follow-up gender appointment. He sits in the room with her with a hand on her knee as her doctor speaks to her.

She gives her normal introductions and then turns to him. “You are…?”

“Dean,” he supplies. “I’m big brother.”

“Nice to meet you, Dean,” she says happily, holding out a hand. “I’m Ann Breland, Sam’s doctor. She’s mentioned you a couple of times. She seems to think very highly of you.”

“Oh does she now?” Dean asks teasingly.

Sam smiles softly. “Nothing you don’t already know,” she mutters. Dean laughs.

“Yeah, but it’s still nice to hear.”

Ann looks over the paperwork and then sets it down and looks straight at Sam. “Well, you are a legal adult, you signed your own consent form and everything, and this is all in order, so I’m going to go ahead and prescribe you 500 milliliters of estrogen. Have you decided what your preferred method is?”

“Injection,” Sam says almost immediately. “Please,” she adds meekly, a little embarrassed.

Ann laughs. “Alright, well I’m just gonna put this order through for four vials of estrogen, plus some needles and syringes. Your insurance covers everything except for the needles, so you’ll have to pay for those out-of-pocket, unfortunately, but they’re only like five dollars, I think, for every four, so that’s just five bucks a month. Shouldn’t be too much of a problem, especially if you’re working.” She types something into her computer and turns back to Sam.

“You’ll have to go to your pharmacy of choice, which I’ll confirm the location of that in a second, to get your supplies and medicines and everything. There might be a slight wait because of a processing issue with the actual hormone itself, but since you’re on Apple it usually goes through no problem. The only other thing I’m gonna need you to do is to real quick on your way out schedule a nursing appointment, the next available one, you don’t have to wait a certain amount of time for that or anything, and one of our nurses will teach you on that day how to do your injections. You can do your first one the second you get home if you like. And you’ll need to bring your supplies to that.”

The nursing appointments are booked up for months and they’re closed for a month (late December through the beginning of January) so she doesn’t get one until February. She schedules it on a Thursday; she has no classes on Thursdays.

Dean hugs her for at least a full minute before he gets back into the Impala to jump on his next case.

~~

“Come on, Winchester, you have like, no friends!”

Enter Charlie Bradbury. Resident lesbian in Sam’s dorm, Computer Programming-slash-Information Technology major, and incredibly talented self-declared Queen of Awesome.

“I have you,” Sam mutters back.

“Yeah, but I forced you to be my friend, so I don’t really count,” Charlie argues. “It’s time for you to branch out on your own! Or rather, to allow me to drag you to my extracurriculars so that you get some social interaction.”

Sam laughs. “Yeah, no thanks,” she replies. “I’m just gonna stay here and work on this script.”

“Nope!” says Charlie cheerfully. “You’re gonna come with me to the GSA meeting even if I have to drag your big gay moose ass.”

Sam gives her an even look. “You’d get along with my brother.”

“From what you’ve told me, I’m sure I would. Now come on, child, meeting starts in fifteen minutes and it’s on the other side of campus.”

Sam groans loudly but stands and allows her friend to drag her toward the door. “Fine,” she says, “but you’re buying me ice cream after.”

Charlie rolls her eyes playfully. “I buy you ice cream twice a week,” she reminds her.

They stroll across campus together, catching up. It’s been a while since they had a lot of time together, and Sam’s considering telling Charlie about Castiel, because holy crap she hasn’t been able to stop thinking about him which is definitely not what you’re supposed to do when you’re dating someone’s sibling, but then they’re there and she hasn’t said anything.

It’s in a cheerful room with soft green walls and a lot of posters, with a circle of those metal folding chairs no one actually likes in the middle. As she enters, Sam counts at least four “This is a safe space for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people” posters, plus a couple cheesy “Be you!” rainbows and too many inspirational quotes to count.

Charlie sits down and gestures to the empty chair beside her. Sam hesitantly settles in. There are more people here than she thought there’d be, and she’s starting to get nervous.

“Good afternoon!” says a perky blond woman from the center of the circle. “People are still tricklin’ in but I think I’ll get started. Let’s go around the circle and introduce ourselves. Please say your chosen name, your pronouns, where you hail from, and your identity. I’m Donna, she/her pronouns, I’m from Hibbing, Minnesota, and I’m a cis lesbian.”

To her left, a nervous-looking guy with dark hair and flighty eyes starts to speak. “Hi… I’m Garth, he/him, I’m from Warsaw, and I’m bisexual.”

There’s a gay dude named Benny, a genderfluid kid called Kevin who was valedictorian at xer high school, a self-proclaimed dyke named Anna, and a pan girl named Jo. There are a few allocishet people who came to support their friends and family members, as well.

It gets around to Charlie, and she perks up. “Hey, everyone! I’m Charlie Bradbury, I’m from Topeka, Kansas, I’m an IT major, she/her pronouns please and thank you, and I’m a cis lesbian!”

She turns to look at Sam expectantly, bright red hair flying everywhere, and Sam opens her mouth to speak but then—

The door opens.

“I’m sorry I’m late, family emergency,” says the newcomer, and Sam looks up into the face of—

One Castiel Novak. Her significant other’s brother. Fantastic. And there’s only one free chair. Next to Sam. Double fantastic.

Cas smiles at her. “Hello, Sam,” he says brightly as he sits down next to her. She fights the long-suffering sigh that she feels building in her chest. _Why_ does this have to be her life?

Finally, she manages to regain her composure, swallows, and starts to speak. “Hi,” she says almost timidly. She’s become so much more nervous since coming out. “I’m Samantha, but you can call me Sam, I guess, and uhh… I’m from Lawrence. Kansas. My pronouns are she and her… or they and them, I guess, but mostly I just use she and her. I’m an asexual panromantic trans woman.”

Everyone smiles at her and they move on to the last person in the circle, Castiel.

“I’ve been here before, but I’m Cas Novak, any pronouns are fine, although most people opt for masculine binary pronouns as a result of my assigned sex and presentation. I am from Salt Lake City in Utah and I identify as nonbinary agender and omnisexual.”

“It’s nice to see you again, Cas,” says Donna happily. “And no sweat on the bein’ late, I know how your brother is.”

Cas bites his lip. “Uh… sibling, actually. Gabriel came out to me since the last meeting as nonbinary. I think they’ll be joining us at some point, not today, but down the road.”

Donna lights up. “That sounds fantastic! Now, shall we get started?”

It’s a slightly surreal experience for Sam, who’s never been in a situation like this before, to sit in the circle and talk to these people about such personal experiences, to have them support her so unconditionally that for a moment, she almost wants to open up about her mother, her _father_ , to explain how fucked up she is and exactly the chain of events that made her that way.

But that’s just the atmosphere, she doesn’t actually trust these people enough. Maybe, though. Maybe one day she will. And by the end of the meeting, she’s learned a few things about Castiel. Enough to know that she needs to avoid him at all costs, because if she doesn’t, she could very, very easily fall in love with him.

~~

Six days. She has six days until the end of the semester, and she can’t take any more distractions. She has to pass her finals, and she has to do them well. She can’t risk her scholarship.

She’s pulling all-nighters, now, taking notes on everything she can get her hands on, and eventually Charlie has to drag her away from her notes and make her take a walk.

It’s nearly midnight, and the sky is pitch-dark, and the stars wink at her from the clear moonless sky. California is beautiful at night. She strolls across the campus with Charlie at her side, pausing to lean against a lamppost. “Is this what you do at night? I’ve heard hackers don’t sleep.”

Charlie looks at her with amusement. “Have you heard that? Well, if it’s true, it’s not because we’re taking our overextended best friends on moonlit walks. Usually, it’s cause we’re hacking into something, like a mainframe, or someone’s social media account, or the Pentagon…” she trails off wistfully before snapping out of it and grinning at Sam. “I’m just being a good friend.”

Sam laughs. “You are a really good friend.”

Charlie sighs. “Yeah,” she murmurs, but something about her seems… off. Sam tries not to dig too deep into it; everyone’s _off_ in the last two weeks before the end of the semester.

“How’s Dotty?” she asks teasingly. Charlie waves at her dismissively.

“ _Dorothy_ broke up with me eighteen days ago.”

Sam’s jaw drops. “She broke up with you five weeks before semester two? What a bitch.”

Charlie laughs. “Yeah, probably for the best. She’s in creative writing, I’m in tech, we’re star-crossed lovers, never meant to be.”

Sam snorts. “You’re a dramatic bitch is what you are. You should join my SO in the theater department, you’ve got a gift for it.”

Charlie shoves her. “You shut up,” she chuckles, and Sam slings an arm around her (much smaller) frame.

“You love me,” she accuses. Charlie pouts.

“I guess so,” she replies, pretending to be annoyed.

They walk along the sidewalk together for a while, the cool night air on their skin, the sky dark and empty and expansive and infinite above them. Sam plops down into the grass.

“It’s so beautiful here,” she whispers. “I really like California. There’s all this… _feelings_ shit that I’ve been doing, and God, if my brother ever knew- he might disown me,” she jokes. “It’s so easy to live here. Part of me is just like ‘what have you been doing your whole life? You could have been living in California and hanging out with Gabriel and Charlie!’”

Charlie lays back next to her. “Sometimes, no offense, your brother sounds like a real dick.”

Sam snorts derisively. “None taken. He is.” She stares up at the sky for a minute. “I love him, though. He was the only person who actually cared about me. And… I love him a lot. Until I met Gabriel, I was starting to think he was the only person who was capable of caring about me, and that was only because we grew up together and he had to. If he hadn’t been around, I would be dead, no doubt about it. Either from starvation or suicide, or maybe my dad, I don’t know. But I wouldn’t be sitting here, in Palo Alto California, having lived to adulthood and gone off to college. That’s all I can tell you.”

Charlie curls into her side. “It’s okay to hurt,” she whispers. And fuck, but that’s the first time anyone’s ever thought to tell Sam Winchester that.

It’s actually a huge relief.

~~

Sam passes all of her finals. Most with flying colors, her lowest grade coming out to a B-. She’s pretty satisfied with that. At least it doesn’t mean she’s going to lose her scholarship.

She has classes with Castiel second semester. Why is Castiel in her lectures? And… it only just occurs to her that she doesn’t know his major. Huh.

She sees him on day 3 and wonders how she didn’t notice him day 1. They don’t talk until they pair up for an assignment.

“Hello, Sam,” Cas says awkwardly. “I… hi.”

“Hey,” Sam replies, smiling. “What’s up?”

“Did you want to do this with me?”

Sam brightens. “Not at all!” She flushes. “I mean— I don’t mind at all. I— yes, I do want to do this assignment with you.”

Cas laughs. “I understood what you meant. We should set up a study time. How do Wednesdays work for you?”

“I have work. Fridays?”

Cas nods. “Fridays should be fine. Where and when?”

“Gabe’s shop? 3pm too early?” Sam asks. Cas shakes his head.

“That’ll be perfect. It’s a date.” They both glance away at that. “Well, not a real date. Because you’re—"

“Dating your sibling, yeah,” Sam replies tightly. “Anyway. See you Friday.” Cas nods.

“I’ll see you on Friday,” Cas murmurs back.

~~

The first Friday is awkward. Sam’s already there at three (she had a 1:30 class that she came straight from to hang out with Gabe for that half hour before Cas showed up) and when Cas arrives, she’s sitting in a corner with her books out and her laptop open, taking her digital notes and handwriting them.

“Hello, Sam,” Cas says, setting down his bag and shifting slightly. Sam raises an eyebrow at him.

“That’s a seat,” she tells him, gesturing to the place across from her. “You can sit in it.”

He smiles and sits down quickly. She laughs.

“So we’re doing that partner assignment together, right?” she asks, putting her book off to the side. He smiles, pulling out the sheet.

“I thought we could divvy up the tasks between us. I’ve known you for a while and I trust you to get your work done.”

Sam smiles. “I will, I swear. I would die if I didn’t.”

Cas laughs. “Somehow, I doubt that, but I appreciate the sentiment.”

Sam shrugs. “If you say so. How do you know that my life force isn’t inexorably tethered to my grades, huh? Maybe I’m some sort of alien freak who HAS to have straight As or she actually will fade into nothingness.”

Cas smiles at her softly. “You’re so beautiful when you refer to yourself by the correct pronouns.”

Sam pauses. That comment throws her for a loop. First off… cis guy calling her beautiful? _Huge_ red flag. (She has to actively remind herself that Castiel isn’t cis.) But also… that is totally out of left field.

“Um,” she manages to say. “What?”

He shrugs. “You do this thing where your eyebrows lift a little and you smile wider and your chin tilts up a little when you’re talking in the third person and you correctly gender yourself. I don’t think you’ve noticed it but it’s very cute. It makes you seem more confident and happier.”

Sam bites her bottom lip, totally unsure how to take this. Some of this is pretty close to things cis dudes have said to her in a not-so trans- or female-friendly way. Some of this feels like it drifts on just the wrong side of misogynistic. But Cas isn’t like that. Cas is a really good guy who doesn’t treat women that way. So she chooses to see it as the compliment it most likely is, and smiles.

“Thank you, Castiel,” she replies happily. “That’s really sweet of you.”

He smiles back. “Some people choose to see the ugliness in this world, but I choose to see the beauty. There’s so little beauty that when it shows itself, it deserves to be treasured.”

She bites her lip and covers her mouth with one hand. “That was a Westworld quote,” she whispers. “Holy crap, you’re as much of a nerd as I am.”

Cas laughs. “Yes, I am actually a big pop culture nerd.”

Sam grins. “Please tell me we can marathon together?”

“Well,” Cas replies. “I was just thinking maybe we could use it as a rewards system. Every time we get an hour of work done, we get an hour of Westworld in between. Keeps us motivated.”

“No one else has ever wanted to watch Westworld with me because everyone else is fucking boring. You are my new best friend,” Sam declares. “Gimme that list of tasks!”

They spend the next hour dividing the tasks between them, and when they’re done, Sam smirks at Cas and they wave goodbye to Gabriel on their way to Sam’s dorm to watch the pilot.

~~

It’s incredible, and it should be frankly appalling, how quickly it becomes natural. And then after that, how quickly it becomes multiple times a week. They get an A on their partner assignment because they do all the work in their mutual study sessions and, when motivated by the promise of sci-fi brainwashing in their near future, get quite a lot done in a short amount of time.

And it extends beyond that. After that project is over, they move onto meeting twice a week, sometimes for up to six hours, and Sam never seems to really sleep anymore but she actually doesn’t mind because holy shit, she’s the happiest she’s ever been. She has a beautiful significant other and two great best friends and her brother actually _calls_ her now, since she came out to him, to check up on her and her transition. Dean sends her three pairs of special underwear for tucking in the mail and she cries, texts him, tells him this is way too expensive (she looked them up, transgirl products are like twenty-five bucks apiece) and he calls her and says he’d do anything for her, he loves her so much, and she cries again on the phone with him.

Her nursing appointment comes up on her far too quickly. She’s practically vibrating with excitement all day. Around noon she gets a call from Gabriel.

“Hey, sweet tooth,” she says teasingly. “What’s up?”

They sigh. “I just got assigned an extra shift. I have to go back to work in seven minutes. I’m not gonna be able to take you to your appointment today, I’m so sorry.”

She rests her head against the wall. “Yeah, I understand. It’s alright, sweetheart, it’s your job. You need that money, I don’t blame you at all.”

She can practically _hear_ their disappointment. “I know,” they whisper. “But I still wish I could be there for you.”

She shakes her head, even though they can’t see her. “I’ll be okay, I’m a big girl.” The wet overtone of her hollow laugh is the only thing that clues her into the fact that she’s crying.

“I love you,” Gabriel offers, and then they hang up.

“I’ll take you,” Cas murmurs from the desk. She’d almost forgotten he was there.

“Hm?” she asks once she’s wiped off her face and composed herself enough to feel like a human again.

“I can take you to your nursing appointment,” Cas murmurs. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but your phone speaker is very loud.”

Sam laughs, genuinely this time. “I would really like that,” she admits. “I don’t want to be in that room alone with the nurse while I learn how to stab myself with female hormones.”

Cas smiles brightly at her. “When do we leave?”

Sam stares at him in awe and shock. He’s _excited._ Just because he cares about her. For the first time in her life, Sam Winchester is truly, inexpressibly happy. She’s never felt so important.

The inevitable downhill comes swiftly, and it starts with a piece of cake.

~~

No one ever remembers Sam’s birthday. It was never celebrated when she was a child. It was never important. Sam called Dean on his birthday in January, and they talked for a while. The two of them did hang out for Christmas and they celebrated his birthday then, in person, because she wouldn’t be able to see him on his actual birthday.

But she’s not expecting so much as a text for her birthday.

May 2nd, she wakes up and sighs. Another year. Nineteen of them, now, she’s lived. And she knows she’s going to live many, many more, but for some reason nineteen feels like a milestone. It’s fine, though. It’s barely a milestone. She’ll be able to drink in two years, that’s more important.

She doesn’t have classes today, miraculously, which means she gets to spend the day with her friends.

Which really just consists of Castiel, Gabriel, and Charlie. But who cares? Three is more than enough.

She meets up with them outside of the coffee shop and they head out for their mini golf date. It’s kind of weird, actually, but they’ve started going mini golfing every week as a bonding activity. _Friendship!_ But Charlie said she had something else on Saturday so it got rescheduled to today. That’s fine by Sam; she gets to do something she loves with people she loves on her birthday.

She’s making holes in one and winning by a mile when they finish the ninth hole and Charlie suggests a break for lunch. Sam agrees wholeheartedly. “We’ll meet you guys there,” Cas tells them, though, and leads Sam to his car.

Sam is confused, but goes anyway. She sits in the front seat, contentedly staring out the windows, until Cas pulls up at a bar. “Here we are,” he says. “Come on, get out, don’t want to be late.”

She climbs out of the car, squinting at the building. “This isn’t the kind of place we’d go for lunch, this is the kind of place my brother would go for booze and sex.” Cas laughs.

“Just come inside, you’ll see in a minute.”

Well, that completely mystifies her, but she goes anyway, following Cas inside and—

There’s a homemade banner in pink-and-blue-and-white that says HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMANTHA in purple puffy paint. There are streamers hanging from the ceiling. The entire GSA club, Charlie, Cas, Gabriel, Jo from back home, Jessica Moore one of her dorm-mates, and—

Dean is there. In the corner, watching her with eyes full of pride and a satisfied smile. Nobody else in the room makes a difference in the moment that she sees him, because her big brother is there, and he’s _proud_ of her.

She takes a shaky breath, fighting back tears, and makes her way over to the table where they’re all sitting. There’s a cake on the table with a big 1 candle on it, and when Sam looks at it questioningly, Dean is the first to explain. “It’s a milestone, kiddo,” he says happily. “It’s your first birthday living as the beautiful woman you’ve become.”

Sam hugs him so tightly she might break his ribs. He just laughs and slaps her on the back. “Yeah,” he sighs in response to the words she hasn’t even said; she doesn’t need to. “I know.”

He knows.

~~

They walk back to mini golf over two hours later, and Sam feels drunk and giddy, despite not consuming a drop of alcohol. (She is still eighteen- no, nineteen. She’s nineteen now. That feels really fuckin weird for some reason, and she has absolutely no idea why.) She leans against Gabriel, smiling at her friends. “You guys are the best,” she declares.

Gabriel shakes their head. “Nah, you can blame me if you want, but this was all Cassie.”

Sam looks at Castiel in surprise. “You did this?”

He nods, looking slightly embarrassed. “I wheedled your birthday out of Gabriel, called your brother for you, organized the party, decorated the cake Dean baked – he’s an excellent confectionery artisan, by the way, send him my praises – and made the sign. I hope it wasn’t too much,” he finishes, and Sam could lean over and kiss him right this second if her significant other weren’t holding onto her.

Oh, god.

She _wants_ to kiss Castiel. She—

She’s in love with Castiel Novak.

She’s in love with the brother of the person she’s dating.

Oh, dear fucking god.

~~

Well, she can’t tell Cas how she feels until she breaks up with Gabriel, but does she even want to break up with Gabriel? She can’t deny the doubt she’s been feeling for a while, but what if she just isn’t dedicated enough?

She doesn’t break up with them. And then she goes back to Kansas for the summer break.

So this is the story of how she found out three highly confusing and difficult to process pieces of information in quick succession.

~~

When she gets home, the house is empty. Dean hasn’t changed the locks, thank god, so her key still fits, and it only takes her a couple of tries to get inside. She makes a snack for herself and settles down on the couch in front of the TV.

They’re never here, not really. The only reason they still have access to the house is cause John and Mary Winchester had _just_ bought it before Sam was born. Yeah, they’re poor, and they should sell the place, but this house is the last place her mom was alive. This house is the last place she lived, the last place she smiled, cried, laughed, screamed—

This house is where she said her last word.

Which was, as Sam will never forget, Sam’s own name.

So John can’t bring himself to sell it, no matter how much money they could get from it. And Sam spends her summers here. Dean joins her whenever he’s not hunting. But John never gets a long enough break to come home, and Sam’s okay with that. She doesn’t need to be around him ever again. She knows how horrible it makes her sound, but she’d be perfectly happy to never speak to her bastard of a father for the rest of her life.

“Hey, Sammy!” Dean calls cheerfully, keys clanking into the wire basket that’s nailed into the wall by the door as it shuts behind him. “You home for the summer?”

Sam nods, grinning at him. “Yep, I’m here. You got me.”

“Well, I’m not takin’ cases for the next three and a half months, so you’re stuck with me as well,” Dean shoots back. He rustles around in the kitchen for a minute, then drops down next to Sam on the couch. “How’s my favorite sister?”

Sam snorts. “You’re in a good mood,” she remarks. Dean’s face falls instantly. Sam pauses. “What’d I say?”

Dean shakes his head. “No, I just… I have to be.”

Sam raises an eyebrow. “Okay, I don’t know what that even means—”

“Dad’s in the hospital,” Dean says quietly. “I don’t think he’s gonna make it. And I know you’d love for him to croak before you have to go in there and force him to talk to you so that you can right your wrongs together but I think you’ve gotta talk to him, man. You really do.”

Sam stares at him. “What happened?” she manages.

“Shot. On a hunt. Bullet broke a rib and pierced his lung. He’s unconscious most of the time, and when he’s not, he barely knows what’s going on. They’re still searching for signs and potential causes of brain damage.”

Sam stares at him. “You’re kidding,” she whispers. “Please say you’re kidding.”

Dean purses his lips and shakes his head. “I’m not,” he sighs sadly. “This is real. You can visit him if you—”

“No!” Sam says immediately. “No, never. Not in a million years no.”

Dean looks taken aback. “I- okay. Don’t visit him then.”

Sam nods, swallowing. “I- yeah. I won’t.”

They don’t talk about him again.

He dies four days later.

~~

Sam tries to process her grief alongside her confusion over Cas and Gabriel. It doesn’t go well.

Dean notices, as Dean does. But in a very un-Dean-like manner, he tries to talk to her about it.

“You okay, kiddo?” he asks her one day as she leans against the washing machine pinching the bridge of her nose. “You seem kinda off lately.”

She sighs. “It’s not a big deal, Dean, okay, don’t worry about it too much.”

Dean grabs her wrist and forces her to make eye contact. “Okay, now I’m worried. Spill.”

She pulls away from him. “I… I think I need to break up with Gabriel. I don’t think we’re supposed to be together.”

Dean raises his eyebrows and sits down on the couch. “Yeah, okay. Wanna tell me why? Cause all the times I’ve heard you talk about them, they seem pretty fuckin’ awesome. And you seem pretty happy with them.”

Sam takes a breath. “Um… I think I’m… in love with their brother.”

Dean’s eyes go as wide as dinner plates. “You- wait, which one is that?”

Sam chuckles. “Castiel. The guy who organized my birthday party?”

“Oh,” Dean replies. “Yeah, I can get that. That guy is…” he trails off, just whistling as if that’ll make his point.

It’s Sam’s turn to stare. “Um. What?”

Dean puts up his hands defensively. “What?” he replies. “He’s hot!”

Sam shakes her head. “Since when do you notice that guys are hot?”

Dean pretends to think, chewing the inside of his cheek. “Since… I was born a bisexual man, I think.”

Sam chokes on air.

“That was the best way to come out _literally ever_ ,” she decides when she manages to remember how to breathe.

Dean’s smirking at her. “You ain’t the only queer one in this family, kid.”

She grins and hugs him tightly. “I’m proud of you,” she manages.

“Yeah, yeah,” he replies, patting her back awkwardly. “So about Gabriel.”

Sam sighs. “I- yeah. About Gabriel. I need — god, I’m going to hate myself for saying this — I need your advice.”

Dean cheers like a fan in a baseball stadium. Sam’s going to cry. Partly from embarrassment, partly from confusion, and partly from misery. “Break up with ‘em and go after their brother,” he advises.

Sam sighs. “I have no idea if Cas even feels that way about me and if he doesn’t I’ll have ruined a very good relationship for absolutely no reason.”

Dean pats the cushion next to him until Sam caves and sits down. “Sam,” he says seriously. “Are you really into Gabriel? Like, really. I know you used to be, but are you still?”

An answer springs to her lips immediately – yes, of _course_ I’m into them, how could you even ask that – but then she remembers her birthday. She remembers the way that Gabriel was clinging to her and how even though she pulled them closer, she wished for a moment that it was Cas leaning into her side. She remembers how everything seemed to burst into color when she met Gabriel, but she also remembers how over time those colors dulled, and how now everything is so much brighter when she’s with Castiel.

She allows herself a moment to entertain the notion that she’s broken. That no matter what she has, she will always be looking for something else, that nothing with ever satiate her. Then she tosses it out, because she knows that no one she loves – not her big brother sitting right in front of her, not her significant other back in California, not her best friend in the whole world, and certainly not her possibly but possibly not-reciprocated crush, would ever allow her to think like that, or ever condone those kinds of thoughts.

She takes a deep breath. “No,” she admits. “I’m not. I- I’m happier with Cas than I’ve ever been with Gabe.”

Dean claps his hands together. “Then your way forward is clear, and I can get off the set of this chick flick.”

Sam scoffs and smiles, but she knows her brother is right. “Okay,” she hums quietly. Then she adds, “so what’s for dinner, Chef Winchester?”

Dean snorts, but his eyes are alight. “Fuck you.”

~~

She goes back to Stanford in the fall with a renewed sense of clarity and understanding. She doesn’t break up with Gabriel as soon as she sees them, of course, because that would be absolutely horrible. But when she does… it goes better than expected, and then it goes worse.

“Gabriel, we need to talk,” she softly murmurs one night when they’re hanging out in her dorm. They look at her with slight nervousness in their eyes. She rarely calls them Gabriel to their face.

“About what?” they ask quietly.

She takes a deep breath. “About us, and… whether we can stay together.”

They accept that with a surprising amount of grace, bowing their head. “Are you breaking up with me, Sam?” they say in a low voice.

She swallows and nods. “I can’t be with you anymore,” she whispers. “I’m really sorry.”

“Your feelings have changed, it’s not me it’s you, etc. etc.,” Gabriel replies, dry and bitter. “I’ve heard it all before. Thank you for being far better than any of the other people I’ve ever dated.”

She doesn’t cry; she swore to herself she wouldn’t cry. But the absolutely downtrodden look on their face makes her want to take back everything she’s said. She hates this, hates that she’s the one who made them look like that. They don’t deserve that, they deserve better, they deserve to be happy. They deserve to not have their heart broken by some dumb bitch who accidentally fell in love with their sibling.

She sighs heavily. “Thank you for teaching me what a healthy relationship looks like,” she offers quietly. “And for helping me to begin my transition. Thank you for being such a good friend to me in so many ways, and I hope that after however long it takes you to heal, we can try to be just friends.”

They nod, with an obvious effort. “Okay,” they croak out. “I’ll try.” They grab their coat and stand, giving her a nod of acknowledgment before they push through the door and she can hear their footsteps retreat down the hallway.

That’s the moment that she breaks.

She collapses onto her bed, sobbing into the pillow. She pulls the blankets up around her and makes absolutely pathetic noises for several hours. She couldn’t be bothered to care if anyone sees or hears her. She may never forgive herself for this.

~~

 **From Dean (15:23)** – how’s it going, little sister?

 **To Dean (16:02)** – broke up with Gabe. they took it okay I think? kinda stormed out though

 **From Dean (16:08)** – I’ll be there in nine hours

 **To Dean (16:13)** – you live in a different state, idiot!

 **From Dean (16:15)** – it’s called a plane, Sammy. now where does this asshole live?

 **To Dean (16:18)** – you’d really brave a plane for me?

 **From Dean (16:20)** – you shut your damn face, bitch  
**From Dean (16:21)** – but yes. I would brave fire-breathing sharks in a hurricane for you

 **To Dean (16:22)** – wow, you really do read too many fantasy novels  
**To Dean (16:22)** – but thanks, jerk. I love you too

~~

The third highly confusing and difficult to process piece of information comes roughly four hours after the above text conversation and about six hours before Dean Winchester arrives in Palo Alto, California. (He said nine. It took him almost eleven. Sam may never forgive him.)

Surprisingly, it’s Charlie who’s the first to comfort Sam. She’s been moping in her bedroom for almost twenty-four hours – she _skipped class_ , for the first time in her _life_ – and her friends won’t stand for it. But she expected Cas. Instead she gets Charlie Bradbury.

She’s laying on her bed, curled up and facing the wall away from the door when it opens. She just mumbles a greeting when the bed dips and a hand falls on her shoulder.

“It’s okay to not be okay,” Charlie’s voice murmurs. “But it’s not okay to freak people out.”

Sam snorts. “No one even noticed,” she murmurs.

Charlie laughs. “Right,” she says dryly. “No one noticed. Hi, Sam. I’m no one.”

“You’re the only person who noticed,” Sam amends. “Or if not, no one else cares. Why do you even care? I’m a disaster.”

Charlie lays down next to her. “I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to not be mad at me about it.”

Sam swallows. “Okay, shoot.”

“I have feelings for you,” Charlie says simply. “Strong ones. I’ve had them for almost a year. But you were dating Gabriel, so I never said anything, but know you’re done with them and I- I wanna be with you, Sam.”

Sam looks at her with horror in her eyes for a moment, then shakily stands, power-walks into the bathroom, and vomits loudly into the toilet.

~~

Fifteen minutes later, having washed out her mouth and brushed her teeth and composed herself, she sits down on the bed and takes Charlie’s hands. “I love you, Charlie, I do,” she begins. “You know that. But you’re like the younger sister I never wanted. Just hearing you say that, I- I feel gross. I feel _sick_ , Charlie. I love you so much, but I could never date you.”

She bites her bottom lip. “I- yeah, okay,” she murmurs. “I’m sorry. I’m just gonna--”

“Please don’t leave,” Sam says immediately. “Please, please god, I need someone to stay with me.”

Charlie softens and lays down next to Sam. “Okay,” she whispers. “I’m sorry… about Gabriel. And Cas. And Dean. And… everything else.”

Sam sighs heavily. “I think it’ll be okay. Wait- why are you sorry about Cas?”

She swallows. “No — no reason. I’m just gonna hug you,” she murmurs. Sam closes her eyes and leans into the warm touch.

“Thank you, Charlie,” she manages weakly. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Charlie whispers back. And somehow, Sam manages to fall asleep.

~~

Dean Winchester arrives almost six hours later, as was previously mentioned.

Sam Winchester is still asleep when he does, so he has to rent a car to drive to Stanford from the airport. The things he’ll do for his sister.

He remembers where her dorm is from the last time he was here, over a year ago, and he finds it with relative ease. He knocks loudly on the door and Sam jerks awake.

“Dean?” she calls, sounding bleary and confused. At some point while she was out, Charlie left, so she wakes up alone, rubbing her eyes. He knocks more insistently.

“Door’s locked,” he declares. “Let me in.”

Sam heaves a sigh and nods, pushing herself out of the bed and going over to open the door for him. As soon as she does, he grins at her and sweeps her up into his arms. “Hey, kiddo!” he says cheerfully, holding her tightly. “You doin’ okay?”

She nods, laughing a little. “Yeah, I’m survivin’. You’re pretty cheerful for an aerophobic guy who just got off a plane and is still awake at eleven pm.”

He rolls his eyes. “Well, what can I say, I’m with my baby sister.”

“Dean, I’m nineteen,” she deadpans. “You can stop calling me ‘baby’. You’ve seen how tall I am, I hardly qualify as ‘baby’ anything.”

He shrugs. “Your comment has been noted and subsequently forgotten.”

She rolls her eyes. At least she has her brother here, back on his bullshit, comforting her in the familiarity of his banter and weird, hard-to-explain jokes. “So… what are we doing? Why are you even here, Dean?”

He shrugs. “I’m here for you, Sammy, whatever you need from me.”

Sam sighs. “I just need someone to comfort me, I guess. Means you’re gonna have to deal with a whole lotta feelings, are you sure you can handle that?”

Dean snorts. “I think I’ll survive,” he promises.

She nudges him. “You’d better.”

~~

She was almost getting better. She got better enough that she managed to go back to her classes, even. Only then… then she was alone.

She didn’t understand it. At all. But whenever she tried to speak to her only friend, he pushed her away. He flat-out ignored her. She wasn’t sure what she had done to hurt Cas this much, but he didn’t want to see her anymore, and eventually she stopped trying.

She went to the coffee shop a couple of times to see Gabriel, but they were never there. Cas would glance at her from the corner of the room and then look away, and when she brightened to try to wave at him he’d turn his back and pretend she wasn’t there.

Sam is a smart woman. She can make a guess as to why Castiel might be ignoring her, but she wants to believe it’s not that.

She can’t have hurt them that badly.

Gabriel keeps calling her and then hanging up before she can answer. That’s her usual breakup move, which means they’re more affected than they let on initially.

She just prays she hasn’t irreparably ruined her relationships with both Gabriel and Castiel.

~~

Two weeks after Sam breaks up with Gabriel, Cas calls her. He leaves an eight-second voicemail.

_“Sam… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been avoiding you like this, but… if you could see Gabriel? They’re- I don’t know how to describe it. You should come see them, by the way, at some point. They miss you. …I miss you, Sam.”_

She listens to it fourteen times in an hour and cries almost every time. Cas’s voice breaks on Gabriel’s name, and on hers. Both times. He sounds seconds from tears himself.

Sam needs to fix this. She needs to fix it STAT.

~~

Ultimately, it’s Dean who sets everything in motion.

He’s the one who wheedles Gabriel’s dorm location out of Sam and goes there to talk to them. Dean’s the one who sees them, whatever condition they’re in. Dean’s the one who… doesn’t come back.

Sam eventually has to call him twice before he remembers her.

“Yeah, what?” he asks, sounding distracted when he answers.

“What are you _doing_?” Sam demands. “It’s been two hours!”

“Shit, really?” Dean pauses for a second, Sam assumes checking the time. “Fuck… I’ll be back soon, I swear.”

Sam shakes her head. “You’d better,” she replies.

Twelve minutes later, someone knocks on her dorm door. She opens it, but it’s not Dean.

“May I come in?” Castiel asks timidly, staring at the floor. Sam steps out of the way obediently to let him in. She sits down on her bed and looks at him expectantly.

“I made a mistake,” he begins quietly. “I shouldn’t have abandoned you like that. But Gabriel… Sam, they are so miserable right now. I can’t even begin to tell you. They aren’t going to their classes either. They don’t understand why you broke up with them. You were the first person they’ve really loved since…”

“You can tell me,” she murmurs.

“They were hurt, very badly, by someone they trusted, six years ago. One of their first relationships ever. They haven’t let anyone in in a long time. They needed you, Sam.”

“Would it help them if I explained?” Sam asks softly. “Because it has nothing to do with them.”

Cas shrugs. “It couldn’t hurt.”

Sam smiles softly. “Should we go now or should I wait?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

~~

So that’s how Sam Winchester ends up walking across Stanford campus with her ex’s brother, a man she’s been in love with for eight months. That’s how Sam finds out that Dean was the one who convinced Cas to come find her. That’s how Cas comes to actually apologize to Sam.

They arrive at Gabriel’s dorm and Sam finally sees how much of a mess it really is.

There are empty tissue boxes everywhere, the tissues themselves used, balled up, and all over the floor in the general vicinity of the trash. Gabriel’s curled in a ball in their bed and Dean is sitting next to them, rubbing their back. It’s the kind of softness and intimacy Sam’s rarely seen from Dean; only ever with children and herself.

She sits down next to Dean, by Gabriel’s feet. “Are you gonna be alright?” she asks.

“Eventually,” Gabe sniffles. “God, hate myself for being like this. People don’t usually see me like this. Fuck.”

Sam rests her hand on one of their thighs. “It’s okay. I promise I’m not pitying you or any bullshit like that.” She laughs slightly. “I just came here to… to explain. I feel bad, you know? Obviously you were really affected by it. I – god, I was an asshole, okay? I’m sorry.”

“You weren’t an asshole,” Gabriel replies, sitting up. Their eyes are red, but not as puffy as Sam expected. “I’m just… I’m sensitive to this.”

“Could you two leave for a second?” Sam asks their brothers. Cas and Dean nod and exit the room. Sam turns back to Gabriel. “The reason I broke up with you,” she murmurs, “is because I realized that the person I’m really in love with is Cas.”

“I- _my_ Cas? Cassie boy? My brother?” Gabriel asks. She laughs, nodding.

“Yep. That Cas. I didn’t want to break up with you because you did anything wrong. You were perfect to me in every way imaginable. I just… didn’t have those feelings for you anymore.”

Gabe nods, swallowing. “Am I still allowed to hug you?” they ask wetly. Sam grins and pulls them into her arms. They smile and relax against her larger, stronger body. “I missed you.”

“We can still be friends, right?” Sam asks softly into their golden hair. “I missed you too.”

They nod, their face pressed against her chest. “We can still be friends. And… if you wait a little while, I don’t mind you dating my brother.”

Sam kisses their hair softly. “I’ll bear it in mind,” she replies cheekily.

~~

They stay there for a while, Cas and Dean coming back into the room to find them both hugging and crying. They exchange eyerolls and looks. Sam’s worried about those two. They get along almost too well.

The four of them all hang out. For the most part, they’re pretty good friends. Dean is still getting to know Gabriel and to an extent Cas as well, but he seems to fit right in. It’s interesting how Sam’s friends are so similar to her older brother. Almost like she subconsciously searched for certain qualities to feel closer to him while she was off at school.

Gabriel seems to recover immensely faster with Sam there, which seems counterintuitive but who cares, really. Sam and Dean take their leave of their friends around ten o’ clock the day after Dean flew in, and they walk back to Sam’s dorm together.

“Well… that’s a thing that happened,” Sam says to break the silence.

“So that Gabe kid’s single now, right?” Dean asks abruptly. Sam snorts.

“Wow, at least I know where your head’s at.”

Dean shakes his head. “You’re right, it’s stupid,” he replies. They walk in silence for a moment.

“Why did you really fly out here?” Sam asks finally.

Dean shrugs. “I wanted a break. From… everything. I’m so tired, Sammy. Everything is… exhausting. And you, you were out here makin’ friends and bein’ happy and I wanted that for you, but I missed you, Sam. I miss you so much when I’m off huntin’ and you’re learning how to make something of yourself. You’re gonna do big things someday, kid, I believe in you. You’re amazing. I’ll never stop bein’ proud of you long as I can still breathe.”

Sam stops walking and looks down at him with happiness shining in her eyes. “I love you, Dean,” she chokes out. “I really, really do. You ain’t perfect, but you were the right brother for me. I never stopped needing you when I was a kid and I still haven’t.”

Dean rolls his eyes playfully. “No chick flick moment,” he replies tersely, but his tone is light.

“You love chick flicks,” Sam accuses softly.

“Yeah, I do,” Dean admits. Then he wraps his arms around Sam’s chest and pulls her down into a hug.

She doesn’t let go of him for several minutes.

And they stand there, under the streetlamp, a girl and her big brother, just happy to be together for once.

~~

Gabriel finally starts going back to class. And work. They’re making Sam’s lattes again four days after Dean arrives. Sam’s getting antsy, starting to wonder when Dean is leaving.

(Not that she wants him to. Just that he rarely stays in one place this long unless he’s working a case or he’s absolutely forced to.)

She still doesn’t see Cas as much as she used to… or as much as she’d like to. She’s disappointed about that, to say the least, but she understands. Gabriel probably told him what was going on and now he doesn’t want to see her anymore. She’s not exactly attractive. Her father used to tell her no man would ever want her and he wasn’t wrong; no man ever has. Only girls and Gabriel.

Charlie seems to manage to work through her embarrassment, because she quickly begins to take Cas’s place in Sam’s weekly study and television sessions. Sam’s grateful for her company, always, but it just isn’t the same without Castiel.

The way he studies is so intriguing. He stares at his book like it holds the secrets to the universe itself, chewing on a pencil eraser or the cap of a pen. Then he writes sporadic notes no one else could ever hope to decode, but he always knows exactly what they mean. He doesn’t even have to write down page numbers; he just knows them.

The way he watches things is even more entrancing. He relaxes back with his hands behind his head and his elbows out, smiling softly at the television. His default position is joy and faint amusement, and he seems perfectly happy to not move at all the entire time. However, media invokes strong emotion in him. Sam’s always noticed that. If a character cries, Cas usually cries with them, silent, slow tears that drip down his cheeks and stain his blazer. If a character is met with injustice, Cas will get angry, one hand fisting behind his head and even faintly knocking on the headboard of the bed behind him.

Charlie is fun to watch things with, but Charlie _talks_. Everything has a social justice connotation, be it ableism, mental health stigma, misogyny, anything. She never pauses the show to go on her rants, so she always ends up talking over important dialogue. Sam cares about those issues as well, but sometimes it’s just exhausting to listen to her talk about them constantly.

She wants her old watching partner back.

~~

One week after Dean flew in, he shoves Cas against a wall in Sam’s dorm, totally abrupt without any kind of prompting, and demands to know “why are you avoiding my sister?”

“I- she-“

“Don’t stutter, just tell me the truth,” Dean mutters, letting go of his collar.

Cas swallows. “Can I tell you without her here?”

Dean shrugs. “Sammy, git.”

Sam rolls her eyes but leaves the room, slumping against the wall outside. She stays there for a moment, eyes closed, pondering, before she pushes off and goes to find her other friend.

She’s tired. She can’t keep letting Dean be the mediator. She has to face things head-on.

If by head-on she means asking about Cas behind his back.

“He’s embarrassed,” Gabe tells her without preamble. “He thinks you’re upset.”

“Why does he think I’m upset?”

They put up their hands. “Don’t ask me, Cassie’s sensitive.”

She sighs, resting her forehead on the counter. “Fucking shit. I’m going back, wish me luck.”

“Luck!” they call after her as she pushes her way back out of the coffee shop.

She knocks on the door to her own dorm a minute or so later, giving no more warning before she opens it. “Hey Cas, we need to talk.”

“Uh—”

“Yes, Dean, you can leave,” Sam tells her brother. “In fact, please do.”

Dean purses his lips, nods, and stands. Sam sits down next to Cas on her bed. “Gabe tells me you think I’m upset.”

“Are you not?” Cas asks. Sam laughs.

“No, not at all. I just wanted my friend back.”

“Really?” He looks at her with heartbreaking hope in his eyes.

“Yes,” she promises. “I missed you, Castiel. I don’t like being away from my friends.”

Cas smiles softly. “Um… I have a confession to make.”

“Don’t,” Sam says immediately. “Let me go first.”

Cas purses his lips and nods. Sam smiles gratefully.

“The reason that I broke up with Gabriel is because I realized I had feelings for someone else. Someone… it’s you, okay, I have feelings for you and they’re way stronger than anything I ever felt for Gabriel.”

There’s a long silence.

“Please tell me they didn’t put you up to this,” Cas finally says. Sam shakes her head.

“Nope. This is real. I swear, this is real.”

“Good,” Cas replies, then grabs her chin and kisses her swiftly.

There are no fireworks. There’s no chorus of angels. It’s a sloppy kiss, at a weird angle, and Sam’s neck hurts from its position after just a few seconds. But none of that means anything, because she’s still reeling from the idea that Cas could have feelings for her, too.

When she breaks away from the kiss, she’s laughing. Cas looks at her in confusion, and she just shakes her head in a manner that says ‘you wouldn’t get it’, tackles him onto the bed, and kisses him again.

~~

“You gave me your blessing to date Cas, right?” Sam asks before she orders, twelve days after Dean flew in from Kansas. Gabriel shrugs.

“I said to wait a little while,” they remind her.

“How long is a little while?” Sam inquires.

Gabe glances at the door, where they can see Dean and Cas watching the two of them happily. They turn back to Sam and smile. “You can do it now. The usual? That’ll be—”

“Four fifteen,” Sam repeats back. “You know my order, I know how much it costs.”

They share a soft, friendly smile as Sam hands over her credit card. It’s so much easier, Sam realizes, to just be friends with them. It’s calmer, it’s less work, it’s uncomplicated. She wonders how she didn’t see this before.

As she sits down to wait, she catches Gabe glancing at the door a few more times, almost like they’re waiting for someone. Or just… staring at their brother. She tries to brush it off, but it rubs her wrong.

She grabs her drink and rejoins her brother and her… Cas. “We ready to go?” she asks. Dean bites the inside of his cheek.

“You know, I think I wanna get a pastry. You go on ahead, I’ll meet you there.”

Sam snorts and rolls her eyes but doesn’t protest, just takes Cas’s hand, threads their fingers together, and leads him back to her dorm.

“Gabriel says it’s okay,” she murmurs as they walk. “And you know… I’d really like to be your girlfriend, I think.”

Cas smiles at her. “I would like to have you as my girlfriend,” he replies. “Shall we go on a date?”

“Are you free on Friday?” Sam asks, even though she knows he is. He smiles.

“Friday works just fine for me.”

Sam purses her lips in an attempt to hide her grin. It doesn’t really work, so she leans into it instead. She pulls Cas into the room, presses him against the wall, and leans down to kiss him gently.

His arms hook around her neck and she places one hand on his waist while the other – the one still holding her coffee – searches for a place she can put down her cup. She finds the desk, settles the coffee on it, and lifts her new boyfriend up to carry him to the bed, their lips never parting.

She pulls away when they’re both comfortable, holding each other and smiling. “I’m in love with you, Cas,” she whispers. “I’ve been in love with you for almost a year. And I just need to thank you for not needing me to hide myself or be different. I’ve always believed no one could love me like I am, so thank you for showing me why that’s not true.”

He smiles back. “I’m in love with you as well, Samantha,” he murmurs. “ And I need to thank you as well. Thank you for accepting me the way that I am, for never asking me to change anything about myself. I’ve been in love with you since that GSA meeting. Watching you experience this community of people you never knew existed before… it was beautiful. The way you lit up, the way you seemed so excited to simply be in that space, restored my faith in humanity.”

Sam scoffs quietly. “That’s cheesy,” she whispers before attaching her lips to Cas’s again.

~~

Nineteen days after Dean arrived, he moves out of the hotel room he’s been staying in and starts sleeping in a sleeping bag on Sam’s floor. Sam rolls her eyes.

Twenty-two days after he arrived, she sees a plane ticket on her desk. Her heart sinks into the floor. She picks it up.

“Wait,” she mutters. “This is today’s date. Dean!” she shouts. He pops his head in from the bathroom. “Your plane left fifteen minutes ago!”

He nods. “I know. I’m not going.”

She stares at him. “First you buy a plane ticket without even telling me and now you’re not going?”

He shakes his head. “Yep. Exactly.” He disappears back into the bathroom and she rolls her eyes, finishing pulling on her shoes. She bangs on the door. “Dean, you gotta get your ass out of there soon, we’re gonna be late meeting Cas and Gabe!”

The door opens immediately. Dean looks the nicest she’s maybe ever seen him. He’s gelled his hair into spikes, shaved, and is wearing a pressed white collared shirt with his jeans instead of a tank and a flannel. It’s slightly nerve wracking and it sets her on edge. “You good?” she asks.

He nods. “I’m great. We goin’?”

She swallows. “Uh… yeah. Yeah, we’re goin’.”

He grins. “Great. Let’s go, then?”

She grabs his wrist and drags him out of the room to Cas and Gabriel.

“Hey!” Gabe cheers when they arrive. “Cassie, look, your boyfriend’s here!”

Sam pauses in the doorway. “Did you just—” Gabriel’s never misgendered her, in the year and a half she’s known him. He shakes his head.

“Nope! I was talkin’ about Deano over there.”

Sam rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Nope. Nobody’s boyfriend, just a big ol’ jerk who likes to hook up with random chicks. And apparently guys too, which is a detail he neglected to mention to me until this summer.”

Dean shrugs. “Heart wants what it wants, bitch, and mine wants a lot of sex, including D and V in equal measure.”

Sam makes a face. “Dude. Stop.”

Dean shrugs. “I speak the truth, you’re the one who can’t handle it.”

Sam slips her hand in her pocket. “Shit, I left my wallet. I’m gonna go grab it.”

“I’ll come,” Cas offers, standing. She smiles.

“Sounds great.” She extends her hand for him to take and they make their way back to her dorm. Her wallet, thankfully, is waiting for her on her bedside table, so no difficulties locating it. They race like children back to the other dorm, where they find-

Dean, in Gabriel’s bed, with Gabe on top of him. And they’re making out.

“What. The fuck,” Sam says from the doorway, and Gabriel falls on the floor.

“Uhhhhhh,” Gabe says, and then Sam bursts into helpless laughter.

“This is amazing,” she cackles. “Oh, this is great.”

Dean flips her off, and she blows him a kiss. “Long as you intend to actually date them and not just use them for sex whenever you feel like it, I have no problem with you dating my ex,” she tells him.

He shrugs. “I don’t care if you have a problem,” he says, contrary to all his body language and Gabriel’s next sentence.

“You definitely care, you’re the one who wanted to hide it!”

“Hide it?” Cas inquires, eyebrows raised. “How long has this been going on?”

“About a week,” Dean confesses. “I… I really like them, Sammy.”

Sam smiles. “Good,” she murmurs. “I’m happy for you.”

~~

“I’m gonna quit hunting,” Dean tells her, exactly one month after he flew out. She sprays water all over her laptop.

“Excuse me, you’re _what_?”

“I’m gonna stop hunting. I don’t feel like it anymore.”

Sam furrows her brow. “But you love it. Why would you stop? It’s like, the only thing you’ve ever wanted to do. Remember? ‘Saving people, hunting things, the family business’? That’s like your life’s motto.”

He sighs. “Sam, it’s dangerous. And… Dad died because of a hunt. Without Dad forcing me to stay in the life and with you out and…” he doesn’t say _Gabe_ , but Sam can hear it in the silence between them. “I don’t feel like dyin’ young, is all,” he finally says. “I’ve been waiting for twenty-three years for a reason to leave the life. And now I have it. I have somethin’ good here.”

Sam smiles at him happily. “Yeah,” she agrees. “We do. Gotta hold onto it, right?”

He nods. “Exactly. So you think it’s the right choice?”

She laughs. “I don’t get a say in what’s the right choice. The right choice for you is whatever your choice is, Dean, and you seem pretty confident in this choice, so I’m happy for you.”

He comes up behind her, putting one arm around her shoulders and kissing her hair. “Thanks, kiddo,” he murmurs, and it’s only then that she realizes how desperately he needed her approval.

~~

It’s nearly semester’s end now, and Sam’s freaking out again, just like she did last year.

“You’ll do fine, love,” Cas keeps telling her, but she’s worried her way through four chewed-up pencils by the time Cas shakes his head and drags her outside. “You’re taking the weekend off,” he declares. “No argument, Sam, you _are_.”

She sighs and allows him to pull her away from her books. “You really think I’m gonna be okay?”

“Sam,” Cas says seriously. “You are the smartest student in this entire school. And you work the hardest. You will ace it.”

~~

Sam doesn’t ace her exams, but she does get an average of 97% on them, with her lowest score at a 91%. Dean does the math for her (in his head, because he’s got a mind for that kind of thing) and grins big and wide at her when she feels the small smile spread across her face.

“I did good,” she decides.

“You did awesome!” Dean declares, and then he throws himself at her, hugging her hard.

Dean’s been exponentially increasingly more affectionate ever since he decided to stay in Palo Alto. He got a full-time job at a body shop doing what he loves – fixing up cars and yelling at people for being idiots – and has a little apartment in the country about an hour drive away from the school. He’s been happier lately, too. Gabriel’s good for him, and Sam’s happy.

“Okay, so it’s mini-golf night, right?” Sam demands. “It’s Thursday and we ain’t got shit to do for the next two weeks. Let’s go get pizza and play four rounds of mini-golf!”

Everyone cheers.

~~

“You ready?” Dean asks softly. Sam ducks her head, squeezing his hand.

“I really don’t know,” she confesses. “This is… huge. And important. And…”

“Terrifying,” Cas supplies. She laughs.

“Yes, thank you. Fucking terrifying, even. I just… I don’t even know. What if it goes wrong? What if I look like crap? What if—”

“Aaaaand we’re done with this conversation,” Gabriel says playfully. They shove her. “Not a single person in this room thinks you have _ever_ looked like crap. This won’t change anything. All that’s going to happen is that you’ll look more like yourself. That’s what we’ve always wanted for you. We’re all here for you, Sam. You’re a beautiful woman, and we’re all so proud of you for taking this step.”

She fights back her tears and pulls them close to her, kissing the top of their head. “Thank you, Gabe,” she murmurs softly. “I love you. I love you all so fucking much, guys, you’re the best.”

Dean laughs, rolling his eyes. “Go get ‘em, tiger,” he tells her, shoving her toward the door. She glances at them again and enters the room for her top surgery.

~~

“Sleigh bells ring, are ya listnin’? In the lane, snow is glistnin’. It sings a love song as we go along, walkin’ in a winter wonderland.” Sam grins at her three favorite people in the world. “Come on, you gotta sing with me,” she complains. Dean rolls his eyes, all wrapped up in his layers, and pulls Gabriel closer into his side, but Cas smiles and joins in.

“In the meadow we can build a snowman,” he cries, and Sam sticks her tongue out at her brother.

“See, my boyfriend loves me!” she shouts. Snowflakes stick to her eyelashes and she wipes them away with mitten-covered hands.

“And pretend that he is Parson Brown,” Cas hisses, nudging her. She laughs and starts to sing along.

“He’ll say ‘are you married?’ we’ll say ‘no man, but you can do the job when you’re in town’.” She leans into his side. “Merry Christmas, babe,” she whispers, kissing his temple.

“Merry Christmas, Sam,” he replies. Sam glances over his head at her brother, walking just behind them with Gabriel. Dean catches her eye and winks.

They never had any real good Christmases when they were kids. But now that they’ve got a family, maybe they can build new traditions together. Family doesn’t end in blood, and neither should Christmas.

Gabriel blows her a flirty kiss, though, and she rolls her eyes.

Maybe some things will never change.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! This is also posted on tumblr (@quicksilver-ships) and you can find the art and fic masterpost at https://sastielbb.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> I love all of you beautiful humans! And keep an eye out, because I have another couple fics headed your way ;)
> 
> Love,  
> -Dean


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